Laughter time

Few jokes collected  from e-mails

Read on..


Age versus Youth

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a young leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep-doo-doo now!”
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here.”
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
“Whew!” says the leopard, “That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard,
spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
“Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story………….
*Don’t mess with old farts,* for age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
I am in no way insinuating that you are old, some of us are just more “youth challenged” than others!!!!
Notice the size of this print???

Job interviews

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”
The Engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer enquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?”
The Engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
And the interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

********************

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists…

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”
The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.” I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, “This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

**************************
 
A careless word may kindle strife,
A cruel word may wreck a life;
A timely word may lessen stress,
A loving word may heal and bless.

*************************

To Silence Gossip, Refuse to Repeat it.

There was a World wide survey of ” Most Embarrassing Moment in human life” and the final three incidents are ….
 
Third Place
” It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my
parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for
a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the
telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her
a piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn’t want to miss the call, we
didn’t have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs,
the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled
“SURPRISE!”.
My entire family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my
friends were standing there ! My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot
in a state of shock and embarrassment ! for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again. “
 
Second Place (a lady)
” While in line at the bank one afternoon, my kid decided to release
some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab
hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
patrons. I told her that if she didn’t start behaving herself right now,
she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in
a voice just as threatening, “If you don’t let me go right now, I will
tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee(dick) last night!”.
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
tellers stopped what they were doing ! I mustered the last of my dignity
and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing that I
heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter. “
 
And the Winner Is…..
This one actually happened at Harvard University in October last year. In
a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels
found in semen. A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked, “If
I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen,
as in sugar?” “That’s correct.” responded the professor, going on to add
much statistical data. Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing
asked, “Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?”. After a stunned silence, the
whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as
she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied),
she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class, and
never returned.
However, as she was going out of the door, the professor’s reply was a
classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, “It doesn’t
taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your
tongue and not in the back of your throat!    

Performance vs Position……..

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a person who is dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses him, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven?”
The person replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver,
“Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven”.
Now it is the priest’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven”.
“Just a minute,” says the priest. “That man was a taxi driver. Why does he get a silken robe and golden staff?”
“Results”, shrugged Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed.”

Moral: It is Performance, Not Position that Counts.

MIGHTY SARDAR……!

A salesman drove into Taran Taran, a small town in Punjab, where a street circus was in process. A sign read: “Don’t Miss The Amazing Bahadur Singh”.
That evening after his visits, the salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on center stage was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old, well-built Sardar.
The mighty Sardar dropped his pants, whipped out his huge ‘prick’ and quickly smashed all the three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Sardar was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited Taran Taran once again, and saw the faded sign for the same circus and again the same old sign “Don’t Miss The Amazing Bahadur Singh”.
He just couldn’t believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Sardar stood before the crowd, then dropped his pants and smashed the three coconuts with three quick swings of his amazing ‘prick’. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with Bahadur Singh after the show.
“Papaji, You are just incredible!” he told the Sardar. “But I have to know something. You are so much older now, why did you switch from the easier walnuts to coconuts?”
“Puttar,” said the Sardar, “Aankhan kharab ho gayeen hai yaar…Theek tharan aim nahin kar panda !” (My eyes have become dim …. I can’t aim properly !!!)

SHREWD SARDAR…………!

Pakistani, Bangladeshi and OUR Sardar are in a bar one night having a beer.

The Pakistani drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says “In Islamabad our glasses are so cheap that we don’t need to drink from the same one twice.”

The Bangladeshi [obviously impressed by this drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says “In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don’t need to drink out of the same glass twice either.”

OUR Sardar, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Pakistani and Bangladeshi. He says “In India we have so many Pakistanis and Bangladeshi that we don’t need to drink with the same ones twice.”

Balle balle !!!!

Women are clever…who said so?

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog told her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get it ten times!”
The woman said, “That’s okay.”
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to”.
The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.”
So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.”
The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”
So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack!”
 Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them!

 Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good!

Male readers: Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they’re really smart!
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show!

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humour!

Take time to read this…..specially the last part!

GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS
GRANDCHILDREN)
To those of us who have children in our lives,
Whether they are our own,
Grandchildren,
Nieces,
Nephews,
Or students…
Here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
You can take comfort from the thought that
Even God’s omnipotence did not extend
To His own children
After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was
DON’T!”
“Don’t what?”
Adam replied.
“Don’t eat the forbidden fruit.”
God said.
“Forbidden fruit?
We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve. we have forbidden fruit!”
” No Way!”
Yes way!”
“Do NOT eat the fruit! “
Said God.
“Why?”
“Because I am your Father and I said so! “
God replied,
Wondering why He hadn’t stopped
Creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
And He was ticked!
“Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit?”
God asked.
“Uh huh,”
Adam replied.
“Then why did you? “
Said the Father.
“I don’t know,”
Said Eve.
“She started it! “
Adam said.
“Did not! “
“Did too! “
“DID NOT! “
Having had it with the two of them,
God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve
Should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to
 give
 children wisdom
and they haven’t taken it,
Don’t be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children,
What makes you think it would be
A piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life Teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend The next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children.

3. Fathers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your Nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
“TAKE TWO ASPIRIN” AND “KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN”!!!!!

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